PHILADELPHIA- The Phillies recently finished a home series against the Red Sox of Boston, losing two out of the three baseball matches. As if that wasn't bad enough, Citizens' Bank Park was infested with Red Socks fans for those three days. Now, I hate a lot of things in this world, but not much is coming to mind that I hate more than Sox fans in the Phillies stadium. Like hello? This ain't yo home, stfu. There are a number of reasons Red Sox fans are the scourge of the species, let me enumerate:
1. Red Sox fans are all white people. In fact I believe the Red Sox are listed in the popular list/book/meme Stuff White People Like. There are two reasons for the lack of diversity among Sox fans: a) Boston generally doesn't allow minorities to live there, and b) the Red Sox fans have created such a stiflingly white culture it is probably uncomfortable or inaccessible for darkies.
2. Most of y'all wasn't even Red Sox fans before 2004 and now you all have been fans forever. Dude you're from Malvern.
2.a) Just 'cause your Sawx hat is faded doesn't mean it's old.
2.b) It's pronounced Sox, Socks. Not Sawx, you pronounce every other word correctly man, goddam.
3. All Red Sox fans are incredibly average. Curved hats, polo shirts, modest beer bellies, khaki shorts and docksiders. For the women, straight brown hair, polo shirts and jeans with white sneakers. And a Sawx hat of course, with the hair through a ponytail in the back.
4. I think Red Sox fans used to be cool/authentic when the team wasn't really that good and they didn't have a ton of hangers-on who labeled themselves a nation. I think they used to expect failure and resign themselves to inadequacy, and hey if they won a little, awesome, but it probably won't last. That's an attitude I can understand and support. That is completely gone. R.I.P. cool Red Sox fans.
5. The Sox used to be the underdogs, the anti-Yankees, but when you start buying players just like the Yankees do, you just become the mini-Yankees. For each Papelbon they have they have a Daisuke or a J.D. Drew.
5. a) Don't get me started on J.D. Drew.
So there you have it. I'm just a bro who hates Red Sox fans and doesn't want to get puked on. It's a simple existence really.
6. that bro's a fucking ginger.
ReplyDeletelol'd a lot at this post.